inspired by na hee-do and baek yi-jin from twenty five twenty one (2022) dir. jung ji-hyun
i was vibrant. i was bold. i was red, blue, green, yellow; i was every color ever visible before you splashed white all over. you said that i was just being childish but if a tall child like me was unable to paint you vulnerable then what could a grown lady do to your anger? stomp it over? hide it forever? i wonder how much more of joy and violence were you seeking when i was yelling there putting my heart on display yet it was still not enough to make you stay. now tell me again: how did i end up here with my sword upon your chest and yours splitting mine open? we used to say we can be happy when we’re together and let’s have good times from time to time but one word from you and i knew i would suffer until the devils decided to have me as their supper. you have sinned, they said. i was just trying to love, i said, i was just trying to kneel and commit a devotion, i was just trying to make a god out of his potion.
you said you loved me / yes i do. i do care about you / what exactly are the parts of me that you care about / your toes your ankles your injuries your wounds / not the ones in my heart / not the ones in your heart / why / because those are invisible for me to worship / but you said you loved me / not in that way / what do you mean? / not in a way that you’ll understand
even the handkerchief you used to carry knew that i could only understand three things: 1) you used to reach for my hand and three years later you were used to mark invisible bruises on it; 2) you mastered the art of waver when i was pumping my heart to run; 3) the spring was for me to wonder whether what we had was shaped in love or a spiral because no matter how far we thought we had grown, we were still there, running round and round like a dog chasing its tail, like the earth orbiting on its axis, like a broken record playing on repeat. you said you wanted me but i knew that it was my love that you wanted — you just did not own any guts to acknowledge it. i wish i was the moon and you were the sun coming for an eclipse. had it happened, you would not have to dodge my kiss.
we were capable of a lot, you said. you were right on that part but you were wrong. you forgot about how you were not capable of standing still on your grounds when you saw my back walking further from your doorsteps. you forgot about how i was not capable of loathing you right after i screamed how i despise seeing you so much that your face felt like an entrance to the great war. you were right about us being capable of loving as hard as the first snow falling but god knows how you were also wrong about us: how we were also capable of striking knives into each other’s hearts as we grew near and plucked them right back out each time we pulled the strings apart.
you said you did not understand me. you simply accepted me, instead. then leave me and hear me out: i was not born into this world to be simply accepted. i have a whole catastrophe inside me. i have a complex labyrinth within me. i wish my heart to be devoured and studied and preserved. i wish to be understood. i wish to be understood. i wish to be understood. and if you did love me, you were right: you did not love me in a way that i understand.
references: the great war by taylor swift / crush by richard siken / first love late spring by mitski
